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Updated 09 February 2010 02:50

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You're Having a Laugh

Real life in the United Kingdom

Stories from UK newspapers that will make you laugh ... or cry.

We bring you todays news from UK national and regional newspapers. Most of the stories are not front page news but big enough to appear in the national press written by professional and experienced journalists, and read by tens of Millions a day.

Is this really the daily life in the UK, is this really how others view the UK, or is it all a joke ... you judge

Today Monday, August 17, 2009

Preacher threatened with arrest for reading out extracts from the Bible in public

Don't give children ham sandwiches, say cancer experts

'Miracle' escape for 11-year-old girl after car rolls off cliff

Blacklisting banned: Citizens Advice axes 'offensive' word and tells staff to use 'blocklisting' instead

Alton Towers bans Speedos

Baby P: mother Tracey Connelly was more interested in alcohol and porn than her son

Father hacked to death in front of son, eight, in beer garden machete attack

'Professional' beggars earning up to £200 a night to supplement their day jobs

Smelly the elephant

Blears car hit in 'revenge' attack

A request to snoop on public every 60 secs

Obese man hid gun in rolls of fat

Woman, 50, crushed to death in lift

Race riots spill onto streets of Birmingham

Pet snake dines out on neighbour's cat

£25k of taxpayers' cash wasted on trial over 25p banana

BOY DIES IN 25,000 VOLT RAIL HORROR

High heels should be banned

Hospitals make £111 million from car parks

Woman getting married to fairground ride

How families who overfill their bins are getting bigger fines than shoplifters

Evil of the loan sharks: This man charged £90,000 interest on a couple's £500 loan

Mars monument 'proof of life'

No, you can't visit your wife

PCSO gives boy, 9, 'blue warning ticket' for climbing a tree

'UFO' photographed 'tracking' RAF Hercules

Men spend a year staring at women

Mourning mum fined at funeral

'Blame men for credit crunch'

Children starting school wearing nappies

300,000 VOLTS HIT MY EAR

Airbrushing of photos should be banned

Patients forced to live in agony after NHS refuses to pay for painkilling injections

Talented teenage musician stabbed to death

Haggis was invented by the English

Women's refuge closed by 'politically correct' council as it does not cater for abused men

Tanker driver dragged to court for smoking - a fake cigarette

Decapitated lad is back on track

Mother whose 13 children were taken into care is pregnant again

Crocodile makes a lunge for German tourist

Baby girl ripped from murdered woman's womb is found ALIVE and in good health

They shall not pass: At former RAF base, locals form a human shield to halt an invasion of travellers

Season ticket rippoff

Mother of BBC star Nicky Campbell banned from taking photographs of her granddaughters

Bank of Scotland cards made shoppers pay twice

Falling over the family dog among most bizarre ways Britons injure themselves

Space mission for wedge of cheddar ends in failure

CCTV to record randy rompers

'Big cat' filmed near Naval base

Mother decapitated newborn and ate his brain, Texas police say

Justice for Wounded: Daily Telegraph campaign seeks better deal for wounded

The great home lending rip-off:

Britain paying illegal migrants in Calais £1,700 to return home, before they even get here

Where is the honour in acid attack?

England striker Jermain Defoe 'could sue' after wrongly arrested and held by cops for five hours

Father arrested for attempted murder after confronting gang tells of 'trauma'

British pensioners among Europe's poorest

Nice view? Off-street parking? That'll cost you £600 more in council tax

Ministers try to cut payouts to wounded British soldiers

‘Staff sex’ probe at top store

Heroes vs Zero

Swine flu call centre staff taken on with 'no training'

GET £500 TO SPY ON NEIGHBOURS

PLAN FOR MIGRANTS TO QUEUE-JUMP

Finders learn they are not keepers

End the Afghanistan war 'spin',

'Prolific' Somali shoplifter to sue Government

COPPER SHOOTS MAN...DURING A SAFETY TALK

HUMAN RIGHTS WIN FOR PERVERTS

THE BARKING TRANSLATOR

Killer Chipmunks already in Britain

Reg beaten to death on camera

Beer tax blamed as pub closures in Britain jump to 52 a week

Widow uses dead husband's ashes for painting

Big Brother state wants even more spy powers

Police given powers to enter homes and tear down anti-Olympics posters during 2012 Games

BROADMOOR STAFF 'FORGOT TO LOCK UP'

Man bursts into flames after police shoot him with Taser gun

Children investigated for laughing too loudly

Free health care for failed asylum seekers

Holiday Britons ambushed at knifepoint by Calais migrants in terrifying 'highway robberies'

Pregnant mother cut her children's throats and took poison while suffering severe post-natal depression

Cow death No3 as OAP trampled

Builder shoots nail into heart

Howzat! The best insults in cricket

'Hello mum, this is going to be hard for you to read ...'

Thousands face £600 extra on council tax bills as homes are moved into higher bands

Spending cuts and tax rises for every family in 2011, report warns

Buzzard attack leaves jogger covered in blood

Thief rings burgled family on stolen mobile to taunt them

Water bills will rocket to £500

Victim cash hit

20 TERROR DANGERMEN FREED EARLY

Pagan police allowed to take Hallowe'en and summer solstice off work

Back from the dead: Patient wrongly told he had six months to live sues NHS after blowing £18,000 on motorbike and gifts

Philip Pullman and Quentin Blake abandon school visits over plans for paedophile checks

Girl 'gang raped' at school prom

‘Cabinet covering up knife attacks’

WANTED: ONE HIGHWAYMAN, R TURPIN

People in the countryside told to accept 'many thousands' of new wind turbines

Police officer 'attacked by 40-strong mob after he told teenage girl to pick up burger wrapper'

Former magistrate cleared of rape sues his accuser for £300,000

NHS TWITS BLOW £30M ON NET ADS

‘BLAIR FOR PRESIDENT’ GAFFE

OLDEST MOTHER DIES AGED 69

Crazed neo-Nazi who threatened 'non-Brits' faces years in jail

Hold on to your balls guys!

Elderly face £20,000 bill for social care

German brothel offers discounts to cyclists

You can't deport me, I'm a lesbian: Jamaican drug dealer makes human rights plea

Crushed to death: Maths teacher killed in rubbish truck after falling asleep in wheelie bin following night of drinking

Orgy at 17th century mansion

The fox left us in socks

Woman's terrifying snake ordeal on the way to the supermarket

TODDLER FALLS OFF SKYSCRAPER - AND LIVES

Making your mark: The world's most bizarre tattoos

What you got undie there?

Household energy bills 'to rise by up to £230 'to pay for green revolution'

Cut population by a third, say crowded Britons

Schoolchildren given sex slave lessons - including graphic recording of 'menu' at brothel

9 in 10 on sick well enough to work

65 not out

Teenager beaten to death in 99p a drink bar brawl

NHS tells school children of their 'right' to 'an orgasm a day'

Beer, cross-dressing and racy dating games for Scouts! What would Baden-Powell say?

Catfish bred in Vietnam is being passed off as cod in UK's fish and chip shops

Wedding cancelled after police arrest the bride, groom and best man

JACKO'S KILLERS NAMED

TEACHER STABBED TO DEATH WALKING HER DOG IN PARK

POLICE 'MUST RECRUIT GYPSIES'

GIGANTITS! World's biggest boobs on show!

Women take a year to get dressed

Mother of two electrocuted as she turned on tap to run a bath in her family's new home

You mustn't send me to an Irish prison says inmate...they'll make me eat red onions!

Sick schoolboy killers caged

Suicide broker's job loss fear

Amazing CCTV footage of hero half-blind pensioner fighting off shop raiders

Oxfordshire Royal Mail chiefs seal postbox for health and safety reasons

TEN THINGS YOU NEVER KNEW ABOUT... FLYING SAUCERS

DIPLOMAT QUITS OVER 'BROTHEL' VIDEO
Alcohol deaths rise by 40 per cent

'Ladykiller' cockerel left lonely after mate dies from exhaustion

A £50 bounty for every car clamped: Scandal of motorists targeted on private land

Chitty Chitty Bang Ban! Killjoys bar film car from Mayor's parade for having no MoT

Child snatched in RSPCA raid must be given up for adoption, rules judge

SINK MIGRANTS' BOATS - BNP LEADER

FATAL FALL INTO VAT OF CHOCOLATE

Dad threatens to drop 8th floor tot

He’s no armed robber dummy

Enjoy your flight? You will with NAKED stewardesses!

Man banned from getting drunk for seven years

New Zealand goes mad for sport of sheep-racing

Bisexual woman, 21, becomes first female to be jailed for grooming a schoolgirl for sex

£6m drive to cut teen pregnancies sees them DOUBLE

Woman who cried rape after date with man she met in internet chatroom is jailed for a year

7hr knife attack by 'cured' rapist

WHITE NEO-NAZIS PLOT TERROR ATTACKS IN UK

Lily's bum trick!

PE teacher faces jail for running brothel

Diary of despair of pensioner who died in 'zoo' hospital after 'catalogue of blunders by staff'

Ryanair to make passengers stand

Prisoner escapes jail to finish argument with girlfriend

Tesco puts security tags on cheese during recession

Is this the beast of Exmoor

Horse with head stuck in horse chestnut tree

Man who drinks daughter's breast milk to combat cancer

Talking CCTV camera tells couple to stop having sex

Man cuts off own penis during drunk DIY

Umpire, 72, killed as cricketer's throw hits him on the head

Boy, 15, drowns trying to cool off in pond after lifebelt is stolen

72 knife crimes a day in UK

2kg of jet ice fell in my lap

6 killed, including children, in blazing tower block in Camberwell, London

Hungry chimps escape from Chester Zoo and spark chaos

SEX SWAP SOLDIERS TO GET NEW MEDALS

CLIFF-HANGER: MAN DANGLES 60FT IN AIR