You're Having a Laugh

16 August

Preacher threatened with arrest for reading out extracts from the Bible in public
So now it is against the law to read extracts from the Bible in public, according to Greater Manchester police.
Why might you ask? Well according to three police officers who are now accused of abuse and intimidation it is because the words incite hatred with homophobic and racial comments!  So are we dealing with just three stooges from the Greater Manchester police who themselves want to whip up religious hatred, which it looks like they are doing a good job of, or is this a remit from the bosses of the police, in which case it is something much more serious. This is the time that these police offices need to be named and shamed, while Christians in general should get a public apology from the Chief Constable. The police themselves claim that they were called to St Ann's Square in Manchester after complaints from members of the public. Now I wonder if these "members of the public" were Muslim and equally if it was a Muslim preaching from the Koran would they have been left alone. Answers on a postcard please!
Could we have a leader of this country please, one that has some fundamental empathy with all peoples of Britain particularly the indigenous population.
So off to work



23:44 GMT  |  Read comments(0)

10 August

Alton Towers bans Speedos
The latest in the politically correct army is of all people "Alton Towers". What a laugh ... Apparently speedos are now banned along with hair to the point that they are offering free waxing to men to get rid of unsightly hair, according to the Telegraph. Three things here: On a personal note I don’t think I will be wearing speedos ... a bit old for that but how come they are an embarrassment to members of the public? How long have men been wearing them? I can remember my father wearing them in an age where modesty was real not invented by politically correct morons. What about getting rid of unsightly hair? Unsightly, sorry love but that’s what comes with men ... hairy legs, hairy chest and if we didn’t shave a hairy face, it’s what's in the box. The third thing is that going forward Alton Towers don’t get my vote in terms of me buying tickets to go there.
Quote from the Telegraph: "Morwenna Angove, Alton Towers Resort sales and marking director, said "We feel this small brief style is not appropriate for a family venue so we are advising male bathers to wear more protective swimwear such as shorts." "We are also looking into offering complimentary male waxing, which will ensure preserve the dignity of all our guests."
Well Morwenna Angove I have just the solution for you ... it's burkas for men. Quite frankly this sounds and feels like an anti male posture and while we may have to put up with this political stance from our masters the Government and councils we don’t have to put up with it from private companies like Alton Towers and we can vote with our hairy legs and speedos.
Bye bye Alton Towers
So off to work

23:42 GMT  |  Read comments(0)

09 August

A request to snoop on public every 60 secs
A private life ... not on your Nellie, you are owned by the government and councils. What you are here for is to pay taxes and be good boys and girls. Does the old fashioned Eastern Europe come to mind?
The Telegraph reports that authorities made more than 500,000 requests for "confidential" communications data last year", how can they do this? Well easily because they can use laws that were bought in to help anti terrorism units to check on basically anything they like. That said it beggars belief that the information that they are getting has got anything to do with what the so called law breakers are meant to be doing. e.g.:
Dog fouling ... just how does getting peoples phone records identify this?
Fly tipping ... email information will stop this?
If you take other stories that have been coming out in the past few months, such as trade unions trying to dictate what we wear at work (oh, yes, use the health and safety rules), councils employing private detectives to check on where people live (in case they want their children to go to a "good" school), issues over bins not being closed properly, another of today’s stories about having to queue in single line in a pub, we are nearly in a Taliban society where the MASTERS, tell us how to behave and we just have to do it. Free society? Not in Great Britain.
So off to work




23:41 GMT  |  Read comments(0)

06 August

High heels 'should be banned from the workplace'
The Trade Union Congress has tabled a motion that stiletto heels are banned due to health and safety reasons. Why you may ask, how many people do you know who have injured themselves "at work" falling off their high heels? I shouldn’t think it's many. It’s a bit on the patronising side if we are now going to be told what we must or must not wear by our masters ... what next? Woolly knickers so you don’t catch a cold. My grandmother would have probably sanctioned that one along with a vest. Are these people at the Trades Union Congress stupid? Well no so there must be something else behind this; let’s dip into a meeting where it is discussed.
Morning comrades I see some people couldn’t make it because of the train strike, bloody unions (lots of laughter). Right down to business and the main item on the agenda today is how we help his Godliness Gordon who as we all know is in deep crap right now. Our objective of course is to ensure that he gets elected next year as the last thing this country needs is the bloody Tories in again. So any ideas. How about we have a workplace ballot that bans elections? No, no that’s a bit too far even the peasants, eh, the people we represent, I don’t think they will go for that. So what we need is something that just takes peoples minds away from the real problems and get them to concentrate of something else. Right, I think I have got it, how about we extrude the virtues of the Rolls Royce fighter engine over the cheaper American one and create a fuss that technically it is much better. In this respect we can baffle the peasants with mathematics, I think that will work! What are you stupid? Because of the New Labour education policies most of our members don’t even know how to spell mathematics, no what we need is something that gets everyone talking, e.g. we need to just "piss off" everyone, that’s the way to do it. How about we ban men from the workplace on the basis that they are all too thick to work, they are paedophiles and/or rapists. Well that’s more like it but I think that would only irritate men, women in general, would be quite happy with that. How about we decree that women have to wear burkas, that way it would really irk women and also irk men as they would have nothing to ogle at. Good, I think we are getting closer but it will be difficult to find a basis for that, well not unless we have major share holdings in a burka factory (more laughter). No what we need is something a bit simpler. I know, we could ban high heels on the basis of health and safety, that would really get women going, particularly the small ones and would no doubt get the goat of men as well as all the tall leggy blonds disappear overnight. You can just see it now being talked about and debated in the workplace, the national press making a big issue of it and no doubt even people writing stuff on web sites about it, and all the time this is going on, nobody will notice their pensions disappearing, their taxes increases, the gas bills going up, petrol going up, that they may even be about to lose their jobs. Well guys I think we have it!
So off to work



00:06 GMT  |  Read comments(0)

03 August

PCSO gives boy, 9, 'blue warning ticket' for climbing a tree
A ticket for climbing a tree ... in a park ... this is anti social behaviour? ...Defended by the local constabulary! This really is a laugh just what are kids meant to do in a park, I know; sit down and shut up. This is just more state control and getting it started at a young age. The real joke here is that the Plod blames the child for being rude and abusive ... Really, the child is here on holiday from Germany and cant speak any English, so either the Plod speaks really good German, he mistook German for some kind of profanity, or made it up as a defence for being a clown. This all came about because the police maintain that a resident who has a house backing on to the park complained; let’s consider how the complaint may have gone:
Ring, ring, ring. Hello you are connected to the emergency services, which service do you require.
The SAS. The SAS are you sure? Yes there is a little boy climbing a tree in the "PARK" and I am a grumpy old git so I want a helicopter gunship to fly in and blow the child and the tree to smithereens that will teach the little sod.
Right sir, I didn’t realise it was something as serious as this, how old do you think the child is? Well I guess 8 or 9. Righto, hang on a minute ... Sorry sir it appears that all the nations helicopters (the three of them) are on their way to Afghanistan, but I am trying to get a division of tanks. Sorry sir, the MOD says that all their tanks are taken up dealing with a primary school where the children make too much noise during playtime. What I suggest sir is that you barricade yourself in while I get a PCSO to come and survey the scene, covered by a sniper of course.
Enter the PCSO ... Oi you get out of that tree ... Ah Gutten tag mein Herr ... What don’t you swear at me you orrible little irksome git ... bitte? ... bitter, bitter, I'm not bloody bitter you snivelling piece of rat dropping, I've got a 200 page document here that says you are nicked.
The thing with this sort of stupidity is that the Plod fall back on the following statement "We have had a complaint and it is our duty to investigate". Nice few words to hide behind however, if this is true they didn’t have to scare the living daylights out of a nine year old, but what we would all like is a more informed statement such as "We have had a complaint from Mr Jones at 9 High Street and it is our duty to investigate". Perhaps this would stop some of this culture that the government are advocating; spy on your neighbour, twitching curtains, report everything to the state, lets pretend we are Nazis. What a bunch of twats!
So off to work



23:52 GMT  |  Read comments(0)

02 August

Airbrushing of photos should be banned, Liberal Democrats say
Well it’s Monday morning again and what have earth shattering policy have the Lib Dems have come u? Is it to get us quickly out of recession, make housing affordable or to make sure that everybody who wants to has a job, that the NHS performs as it should and the pot hols in my road are all filled in, that they have found a way of eliminating global warming. Well not exactly they want to stop magazines from airbrushing pictures, now that’s going to help the world, isn’t it? Why is this a problem you may ask, as I have been doing all morning ... apparently it is because they think that lines on the face of Twiggy have been removed and based on this it makes the female population think that this is how they should look. Well Lib Dems this is how most women want to look, what’s next a ban on makeup. What is the real reason for this, jealously perhaps in that no matter what you do with a certain MP's face it would be difficult to improve? The party suggests on the basis of women's issues that all images of women that are enhanced to get rid of blemishes should be accompanied with a health warning. Now how the hell does this help women? Lets have a look at this a bit closer. A model who has stunning features but a small blemish on her face wont get the job, that’s helped, the light cast a shadow making her nose look crooked, wont use her picture, that helped. A perfect face with no blemishes, yes we can use that. So we end up with women still being used for glam pics but now the age and the quality of blemish free faces has now just gone up a notch leaving a lot of women out of pocket or not useful for photographic work. Is this the best that our MP's can do? The whole country is falling apart, people are talking about a revolution and what do we get from our finest ... Don’t airbrush women! Thick or what?
So off to work



23:40 GMT  |  Read comments(0)

30 July

Mother whose 13 children were taken into care is pregnant again
A story in the Telegraph relates to a woman who has had thirteen children, all of which have been taken one by one into care, is pregnant again with the absolute knowledge that this child will also be taken into care.
Now why would anyone want to keep getting pregnant if due to the neglect she has shown her previous children knows that she will not be allowed to keep this one and rightly so. Well it sounds like she is trying to punish the authorities by making them pay for the upbringing of the children because she is not happy that her first two children were taken away from her for safety reasons. This is a couple who already make us pay by taking a sum of around about £12,000 a year on benefits, which means that you would have to earn around £15,000 before tax. Just to make the point if you hadn’t twigged it already, this £12,000 is our money that we work hard for and god only knows what it is costing for looking after 13 children, even at £,3000 a year each this woman is costing us £51,000 a year and soon to be more. Is this a fair society? Not in my book! Apparently she indicates that she will stop having children when the authorities allow her to keep one, which reading the full story is just not going to happen. So how about this as a bit of fairness. We stop paying for this couples accommodation and the other benefits that they have been receiving for the past 17 years. I could think of some more drastic measures, you may like to add your own.
So off to work



00:07 GMT  |  Read comments(0)

28 July

Mother of BBC star Nicky Campbell banned from taking photographs of her granddaughters
Everyone is a paedophile ... that’s official.
What we see in a story in the Daily Mail is an 85 year old grandmother being harassed because she was trying to take a picture of her grandchildren in a swimming pool. Last month the same paper revealed that parents were banned from taking pictures of their own children at sports day because the headmistress said pupils’ needed to be protected. But protected from whom ... in this case their parents! So what is the real reason behind all this, its either everyone is guilty of being a paedophile or its more social engineering in that the only people you can trust is the state. Trust the state, the only thing I would trust this lot with is fiddling their expenses. Let’s just have a look at how they "look after us".
1. If you don’t meet the IQ requirements we will take your children away.
2. If you earn more than a fiver a week you are a rich bastard and we will take your money away.
3. If you have saved up for your retirement, we will tax you so much that it is worth nothing.
4. If you don’t have any money (because we have taxed you so much) in retirement we will grudgingly give you some, but by way of means testing, because we know that most of you won’t claim.
5. You will be orderly right down to your wheelie bin being exactly 1" from the kerb with the lid shut or we won’t collect your rubbish.
6. Don’t get out of bed because it breaks the health and safety rules.
7. Don’t go to work because we will support you, thus having everybody at the same level of poverty and dependent on us.
8. Don’t have a holiday outside of school time because we have shares in the holiday industry.
9. Don’t try to get your kids into a "good" school, or you will be severely punished.
10. We encourage universities to take students with less than the average IQ so that we can bring the whole education system down to the lowest common denominator.
What a shower as the list goes on and on, but what can we do about it? Nothing is the answer because if you try to stand up and be counted you will be accused of something e.g. I like children ... paedophile! I don’t fancy other men ...homophobic; I work hard and earn more than a fiver a week ... rich bastard, and so on and so on.
So off to work




23:26 GMT  |  Read comments(0)

Mother decapitated newborn and ate his brain, Texas police say
If you thought the world couldn’t get any worse ... A story in the Telegraph relates to a woman that took her new baby, cut off its head and ate its brains. The only opinion I can really give you on this one is disgust, I struggle to think about it.
Well the government is showing its contempt for our soldiers again, taking two soldiers to court to try to get some or all of the compensation for their injuries, which was awarded by a court back. It is time for the nation to stand shoulder to shoulder to make sure that our masters (Gordon and Co.) know what we think about their despicable and disgusting money grabbing sticky fingers. How did they ever decide on this action, let’s see
Righto ministerial team lets get started, what’s on the agenda this morning: Well your godliness there is an issue that we need to discuss, which relates to compensation for injuries to soldiers. There are two cheeky buggers who were not happy with the fiver that we gave them and appealed to the courts who increased the amount. Clearly we are not happy with this so we are going to use loads and loads of taxpayer’s money to try to grab this back by appealing against the court order. Right, but do we have a sound basis for the appeal. Oh yes your mightiness, what we have come up with is an absolute gem. It goes like this: if a soldier gets shot in the leg we give them £2.50 and that’s it. Then in a few weeks if it goes gangrene and he has to have the leg chopped off we simply claim that this is nothing to do with us as it is a separate incident and not our problem, so no dosh for losing the leg. Good in’ it. Not bad, but don’t you think that the original £2.50 for a mere bullet wound is a bit on the high side?
So off to work



00:03 GMT  |  Read comments(0)

26 July

Father arrested for attempted murder after confronting gang tells of 'trauma'
Well here's the story, a man remonstrates outside his house with a gang of drunken youths who threaten to kill him and burn his house down. Now his son steps in to cool the situation down and is immediately set upon and is being beaten up by the gang members. Father grabs a letter opener and stabs one of the youths in an effort to protect his son. Enter the police ... handcuff the father take him down the nick and charge him with attempted murder.
Let’s find out what the father should have done!
Father to gang: Ok, gentlemen the fact that you are stamping and kicking my son is against the law, if you don’t stop I will call the police who should be around in an hour or so. Gang member: Sod off or we will kill you as well, apart from raping your wife and then burning your house down. Father: Righto, but as the police will not arrive for some time, could you give me your names and addresses please. Gang member: Yeh, we're all called duck and we live in Disney Land. Father; Ok that is very helpful. It looks like really hot work kicking my son to death, would you like a cup of tea. Gang member: F***ing beer mate and make it quick.
Question for you readers: What would you do if your son was being attacked by a group of five drunken youths? At a guess I would expect that at least 99% of fathers would go for it and if that meant using extreme force then so be it. Most of us wouldn’t even think about it as preservation and support for our children is instinctive.
Arrested for attempted murder, how about a medal for diving in to save someone else’s life.
And so to work



23:16 GMT  |  Read comments(0)

23 July

End the Afghanistan war 'spin', orders ex-SAS chief


22:57 GMT  |  Read comments(0)

21 July

Beer tax blamed as pub closures in Britain jump to 52 a week
More than seven pubs a day are closing in Britain according to figures released by the British Beer & Pub Association (BBPA).
Now let’s apply some maths to this: There are 53,466 pubs in the UK closing at a rate of seven a day means that this time next year there will be only 50,900 and the following year 48,345 and so on until there will be none. And why is this happening, have all the people in the UK seen the light and suddenly become teetotallers? No. Is it because people don’t want to socialise in pubs anymore? Nope! Come on, what is it? How about Gordon’s over the top taxation, this has a bit more credence with 30pc of an average pubs turnover (yes turnover not profit) going in taxes they just end up losing money, so shut the doors and find another business. But this doesn’t make sense if it’s because of another tax grab and the pubs are closing surely the tax revenue will go down! Well let’s get some insight into the truth, so over to a cabinet meeting where it is discussed...
Morning chaps, we are faced with another problem which needs a bit of resolving so I'm looking for some ideas. Put your hand down Ed I haven’t said what it is yet. Oh ok, yes you can go to the toilet. Right then here we have it. Since we went to 24 hour drinking the peasants have been going out and getting drunk, what is the matter with these people, perhaps they need educating (lots of laughter). Anyway the Tory press seem to think that this is a problem and are shouting about it, so we need to do something to stop people going out on the booze. Yes Mandy! Well your majestic god, why don’t we just slam on loads of tax, which will have the effect of reducing the amount people drink. Yes but if we do that some of the pubs will not be able to survive and will close down, so we will lose any tax benefits that we should gain and I don’t like that, although I take your point that it may stop people drinking. Not so your mightiness, a bit of mathematics on the back of a fag packet shows that the number of pubs that go out of business in any one year would be approximately 4.8%. Therefore if we raise beer tax by say 6% every year we actually gain 1.2% tax into our expenses coffers. Mandy, that’s just brilliant but could you put that fag out. Right let’s get to it.
So there you have it, simple wasn’t it?
And so to work




23:52 GMT  |  Read comments(0)

Children investigated for laughing too loudly
Are residents of Breightmet, near Bolton the most miserable people in the UK? One hundred and fifty of them have signed a petition that complains that the children laugh too loud at playtimes, which of course is being investigated by the local stazi ... err council. Now this really is "you're having a laugh"! What exactly are the council likely to do about it? Let’s have a look at some options...
1. Close the school ... Could do but the council are committed to "educating children" (a laugh in itself)
2. Abolish play time ... Yes make the little brats work solidly through, and why not beat them at the same time.
3. Tell them to laugh quietly ... Well that’s going to work for primary school children.
4. Gag them ... Sorry, health and safety
5. Ask the residents to get a life ... Now we are moving in the right direction.
6. Ask the residents to move ... This has some level of appeal.
Basically what nonsense in two respects. The first is that the residents complain, are they thick, do they really think that (a). it is possible and (b). it is morally right to try and keep children quiet in a playground. The second question is why is the council sending the noise police around to harass the school. Yes I know they will say, "Well we have had complaints from the residents and it is our job to do this". Well no it isn’t, you could just say, look children will make a noise when they are playing and we want to encourage play and indeed happiness, so bugger off and annoy someone else. There that’s easy isn’t it? Well I hope the children have fun today and I suggest the residents buy ear plugs from Acme Ear Plugs Company, which I have bought a few shares in this morning.
So off to work.




00:14 GMT  |  Read comments(1)

20 July

Thousands face £600 extra on council tax bills as homes are moved into higher bands
So there you have it. In 2007 the government backed down from a national revaluation of property because of a potential public backlash, but in true New Labour format it still going on only through the back door. Another tax or more stealth is one way of thinking about it, legal theft, or the Sherriff of Nottingham is another way, and my feeling is the latter. If a thousand homes a month are being moved into higher council tax bands and its not a national proclamation what is going on. Ok over to a cabinet office meeting in the autumn of 2007:
Morning all you lucky cabinet members, on the agenda today is how to screw a bit more money (well a lot actually) from the peasants, any ideas. Yes Mr Prime Minister ... please don’t call me Mr Prime Minister, God will suffice. Ok God, look with the two hundred and seventy six stealth taxes that we have imposed the peasants are actually running out of money, that coupled with the horrible Tory press actually telling people that we are sneaking higher taxes makes doing anything drastic a bit on the difficult side, which is why we have dropped the "revaluation", or hiking council taxes. Oh, well I don’t agree that we have got all of their money yet, my mate who is a bank manager has told me that there is an average savings for each family in the country of a fiver, and if you multiply that by the twenty three million households it comes to a big number ... I want it and I want it now! Come on, for Christ’s sake, stop writing up your expenses and give me an idea.
Well your godliness, how about we still go for the "re-valuation of properties" (much laughter) but make it the responsibility of the councils and only do it when people move. This means that the people who are living in the house don’t actually see an increase it’s the smucks that come in after them that get it and as they haven’t had it before they wont know the difference. In addition if this ever gets found out by the Tory press, well, it’s not us it’s the councils.
Now that’s what I call thinking, I love it but it still means that for the foreseeable future there will still be some people who have that average fiver in their savings account ... any other ideas?
So off to work



00:11 GMT  |  Read comments(0)

17 July

Pagan police allowed to take Hallowe'en and summer solstice off work
Pagan police officers have now been allocated eight days off from work to celebrate "religious holidays" such as Halloween and the summer solstice. Don’t you just love it? Here we are in the twenty first century sending crafts to far away places like Mars, have a good understanding about black holes, the universe and everything, and a group of police officers that worship a one eyed Norse god, Odin! Spare me more! These people are given a uniform and the authority to uphold the governance of "us" on a day to day operational basis. What! You mean that these people have powers over us? Yes but just so that you can see that they are ultimately sensible you should also know that they believe that there is a hammer-wielding god called Thor. Really that makes me feel really comfortable. Are these guys having a laugh or are they tuppence short of a shilling? More so, what is the mental state of their bosses who have sanctioned this? Sort of does a lot for the image of the police doesn’t it. Pc Pardy told Police Review magazine: A lot of people think it is about dancing naked around a fire but the rituals are not like that". That’s a pity because it would have a bit more credence and probably a lot more members if it was.
So off to work



00:26 GMT  |  Read comments(0)

15 July

People-in-the-countryside-told-to-accept-many-thousands-of-new-wind-turbines.html


23:59 GMT  |  Read comments(0)

14 July

Elderly face £20,000 bill for social care
The latest from this week’s ministerial meeting chaired by our old mate Gordon:
Right lads we have only got a year to go so how do we punish rich bastards a bit more before we get thrown out? Come on hands up if you have got an idea. Ok, so you have all put your hands up but let’s start with you Andy.
Well your almighty highness, how about this ... You know that care for the elderly is free (much laughter around the table), well except for anyone who has had the gall to save more than £23,000 during their lifetime, which we take off them if they need care. Now what I have figured out is that not all rich bastards [people who have managed to stash away £23,000] need care and therefore they escape having all their money, house etc taken away from them to pay our expenses. So, what I propose is that we levy a £20,000 on all the rich bastards when they retire, which will actually be a tax on retiring as it will give them nothing as they will still have to pay for accommodation, food etc. This way no one with any money at all escapes and we make sure that they go to the grave only after they have given us every penny that they have managed to save. Andy, just brilliant, now whose next.
So off to work



23:34 GMT  |  Read comments(0)

Household energy bills 'to rise by up to £230 'to pay for green revolution'
It is reported in the Telegraph that household energy bills could rise by up to £230 to pay for the governments latest tree hugging scheme. Don’t you just love these guys as this is based on a promise that good old Gordon gave the EU that we would drastically cut carbon emissions. Now we have got to the stage that it has to be planned and guess what, it is going to cost a lot of dosh, but not to worry the peasants can pay. Over to the cabinet office to see how the meeting went:
Morning chaps, top of today’s agenda is how to get out of this fix we are in after I promised the EU that we would cut carbon emissions to something, which at the moment I don’t remember. However my mate who has recently set up a wind turbine manufacturing company has shown me some figures, which you can see here £5,520,000,000, which indicate that he can help us out. He tells me that the cost would be in the order of five and a half billion a year so all we have to do is divide this number by the number of households and TAX appropriately. Ok what does that give us? Well the upshot is that we just tax the twenty four million households £230 a year and that will cover it off. But Gordon, your majesty, the peasants will not be happy with yet another tax. Of course they won’t dimwit, so we make the utility companies put it on their bill and thus they get the blame for it, while we take all the credit for cleaning up the atmosphere. But this will come on top of the 120% or so increase because oil prices went up. Yes but oil prices have come down to an unbelievable low driving a reduction in bills by what, some 10%. Yes your majestic honour but that still means that once you apply this new tax the change in electricity prices would look something like; two years ago £420 per annum and now what you are forecasting £1,118. Don’t be silly dimwit, the education that we give these people means that most of them cant even read let alone to mathematics! Ok your greatness, but if we are robbing people because of the environment don’t you think that we may have a problem with all the turbines ruining the landscape ...If you consider that the coastline of Britain is 7,723 miles and what you are suggesting is that we will need between 9 and 10,000 turbines that starts to look a bit like the Berlin wall, don’t you think people will whinge about this. Yes but this is the really good bit, we commit to this, get thrown out of government next year and the Tories will have to implement it. Then people will get so pissed off with the Tories for ruining the countryside they will vote us back in five years because we can use it to show how useless they are. Thank you your majestic greatness this is why you are the best thing next to god.
So off to work


00:16 GMT  |  Read comments(0)

12 July

NHS tells school children of their 'right' to 'an orgasm a day'
Today the Telegraph reports that the NHS is advising students about the benefits of enjoyable sex. A quote from the leaflet states; "an orgasm a day keeps the doctor away". Not if one of your partners has a dose it doesn’t! Here we have another laugh; it also states that for too long, experts have concentrated on the need for "safe sex", which could be something to do with Aids, but the reckless authors would rather they keep up the customer base of the NHS. The whole leaflet is based on the fact that you should enjoy sex! Really, most young people, who this leaflet is aimed at, already know that and spend most of their time trying to satisfy this enjoyable pastime. The NHS has got to be the most un-joined up organisation conceivable, on one hand scary advice is given about safe sex, while on the other it is encouraging youngsters to go out and find it, and stating the blindingly obvious its what most of them are looking for anyway.
Just trying to get my mind around the logic of this, and on the basis that the leaflet was conceived by some intelligent people we must assume that there is some intelligence behind it. So let us put ourselves at a weekly NHS managers meeting: Ok, listen up, first thing on the agenda is some great news, the level of sexually transmitted diseases has dropped off a cliff, I believe that this is down to the sterling work of this committee who have worked tirelessly over the past ten years getting the message across on safe sex and family values, so well done. Err, Mr Chairman, this all sounds like good news and shows that we can shape the behaviour of the population through good marketing so I think we should all be very proud of ourselves. However one little matter for discussion! Once we release these figures for publication what will it do for our now nationally renowned STD clinic, will it have an impact on their funding if there is little to no work for them. Good point James, I hadn’t thought of that, and you can bet your bottom dollar that we will be financially shafted (no pun intended) for sure, do you have any suggestions? Well, Mr Chairman, how about we use this to our advantage to guarantee our positions for the next ten years, well actually twenty by my reckoning. What we need to do is A. First of all crow about how successful we have been in the policy of the last ten years, thus making us a valuable committee, B. through the back door tell young and vulnerable people to go off and screw anything they can because it is good for their health. This will see an immediate increase in the rate of STD referrals, thus making sure that we maintain the funding for the clinic. It will also lead to more breakdowns of relationships, creating more work for our psychiatrists and mental nursing team, so we will have a good case to get increased funding for that as well in a year or two's time. It will take a number of years for this trend to be noticed during which time we can still have our PR and spin machine letting the world know what a wonderful job we have done. Then when the figures do come out we can blame it on social changes, pointing out the wonderful work we have done in the past and with a little more money (ok a lot) we can work our fingers to the bone to get the numbers back to where they are today. Well done James, seems fine and sensible to me, can you start work immediately on a glossy leaflet.
So off to work

23:32 GMT  |  Read comments(0)

09 July

Women take a year to get dressed
The Telegraph reports that it takes women a year of their life getting dressed, something that men know only too well. Some years ago I did a course in psychology and one of the things I remember well was a list of the top ten most stressful things that individuals could possibly experience. The list quite shocked me due to moving house being number 3 behind, rape, and watching a loved one being murdered in front of you. What didn’t appear on the list was the preparation of the wife/girlfriend before you go out. This should have been there because for a guy it is the most stressful, tricky, difficult, dangerous and frequently occurring nightmare we will endure during our lifetimes. It's a no win situation so you hope for a draw, but you know that getting it wrong is going to put another scar somewhere on your already beaten body. Let’s go through the thought process:
Dave does my bum look big in this dress? Dave thinks; her bum always looks big but if he says that he's dead, so he says "no Jane you look lovely". But do you think the front is a bit low? "No dear it’s just perfect, it shows your figure really well", but he is actually thinking “God I hope she doesn’t lean over tonight, it would be really embarrassing if one of her jugs fell out. Dave, are you sure it’s not too tight, I don’t want to look like the Michelin man? Darling it is just perfect, you look wonderful. But he is thinking that she has put on a few pounds since she bought the dress. However he puts the idea of implying that she may be a tinsy winsy bit fat in the same league as saying niger or queer, words he would never say so doesn’t. Dave, what shoes do you think I should wear? Dave nearly says "hobnail boots", but thinks better of it and says red ones. Red ones with a blue dress, are you mad? Sorry dear I meant blue ones, I was miles away. Oh god, I'm not sure that I have got the right shade of blue, what do you think of these, do they match. Absolutely Dave says, thinking "why did she ask me if they matched, pairs of shoes always do". Ten minutes later; Dave, is the back of my hair ok, I should have gone to the hairdressers. "Yes its fine", thinking it looks like it normally does, perhaps she should go to the hairdressers. Fifteen minutes later; Dave, is my makeup ok? Yes you look lovely, thinking, the rouge is a bit much but we should have left ten minutes ago. Ten minutes later Dave thinks, " what the hell is she doing we are going to miss dinner at this rate.”Jane, what are you doing we are late already". Well I decided I didn’t like the blue dress and after you suggested I wear red shoes I am just putting on that little red number I got last summer. Dave, do you think my bum looks bit in this?
Getting through this without ending up dead is the third natural instinct along with the fight or flight responses. So if a woman takes a year of her life getting dressed it takes 10 years off the life of her mate.
So off to work.



23:40 GMT  |  Read comments(0)