The
place is getting worse ... don’t forget to wear your goggles when you
are using Blu-Tack, is one of the latest dictates from schools in
relation to health and safety. Ok yes, there was a story earlier in the
week about a school banning swimming goggles because they are too
dangerous, which of course means that the answer is only to use
blu-tack if you are behind nuclear proof glass and someone on the other
side of it is actually touching it for you. There that’s relatively
safe, even though I can already hear you mutter ... Glass.
It gets
even better, the Telegraphs story also reports that a school was
banned from using spray foam when marking out spaces in case a child
slips and "drowns" in it. This could easily be solved by having a
qualified lifeguard present, although where you can qualify for this
task is subject to fifteen years of research. So what’s next on the
list: How about a five page document warning about the "danger of Pritt
Stick”? Well I have racked my brains and haven’t been able to get
anywhere near five pages of waffle, but I have come up with a top ten
pritt stick danger warnings:
1. Do not eat it ... mainly because it tastes horrible.
2. Do not try to stick the eyelids of your classmates down with it ... use super glue, that works.
3. Do not use it to stick funny pictures of your teacher to the wall ... you may get caught and that’s dangerous
4. Do not poke it up your nose ... well not while it is still in its plastic container.
5.
Do not mix it with nitric acid and silver nitrate ... BANG, this really
is dangerous but will work just as well without the pritt stick.
6.
Do not wrap a wade of blu-tack around it and shove it in a car exhaust
pipe. It will fire out of the pipe 83 seconds after the owner starts
the car. It flies at a velocity of 130mph for 42.5 feet ... so make
sure you are at least 50 feet away.
7. Do not throw it out of the bus at some poor unsuspecting old lady ... Even if it is your teacher.
8. Do not cut bits off with the scalpel provided and throw them at big Jimmy ... Big Jimmy wont like this very much
9. Do not glue the pages in big Jimmy's book together ... Big Jimmy wont like this very much either
10. Do not use it to smear on the next sheet of toiled paper ... Big Jimmy might be next in the loo.
I
would just love to see the five page document; it must be a real work
of art. You should read the story and I would love to see any comments
regarding other dangers of pritt stick that I may have missed.
School bans dangerous swimming goggles (Read the full story)
The picture is me at about ten years old practicing diving. As it is
quite plain to see we did not have a swimming pool or diving boards at
my parent’s very working class home. So like most kids then I made do
with an old chair as a diving board and a mattress as a landing
platform, which was only marginally softer than the ground it was on.
Now you may think that this is pretty stupid but it had its logic. You
had to get the landing just right or it hurt badly, which was similar
to getting it wrong from a ten metre board, the correct technique was
far less painful, so you got it right most of the time, I could
practice as long as I wanted and didn’t have to buy a ticket, you
didn’t get wet and you couldn’t drown. Other things that I learnt from
this that have held me in good steed in my adult life includes things
like: There are different levels of pain, if you hurt yourself its
painful, if you break something its really painful, if you go for it
but miss the mattress its even more painful. It did have some positives
like I knew all the nurses at the local hospital, nice ladies. So what
do you think I make of the story reported in the Telegraph (Click
headline above)that Governors at a junior school in North Wales have
banned swimming goggles because they could cause serious injury to a
child ... WHAAAAT ... Yes really but there must be a good reason so
lets see why according to the Telegraph.
Reason 1. A child could be
SERIOUSLY injured if a pair of goggles "snapped" onto their face too
hard. I have now got a picture of one child with goggles on and another
pulling the goggles a yard away from the intended victims face and
letting go, guess that would hurt a bit, but serious injury, do me a
favour. Have you ever tried to stretch the elastic on swimming goggles,
go on give it a go, it’s a bit like stretching a piece of rope, not
easy.
Reason 2. A lens could pop out unexpectedly ... YES ... What
exactly is this lens going to do, pop out and then go for your jugular,
fall onto your foot breaking it into tiny pieces, fly out and embed
itself into the back of the head of the kid in front of you, goodness
think of all the possibilities, it really makes you shudder.
How about these then governors:
Swimming is too dangerous, there is a possibility you will drown.
Swimming pools are too dangerous as it’s slippery and you may (or will) fall and seriously injure yourself.
Getting changed for the pool is dangerous as you may forget to tie up your shoe lace and trip on it.
Getting to the swimming pool is dangerous, the school bus could have an accident and you could get seriously injured.
At
this point the only thing is for me is to offer the governors of the
school the loan of my old chair and mattress ... there's no blood on it.